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Slowly moving forward
2012-02-06, 10:18 a.m.

Slow and steady wins the race, right? Let's hope so.

I'm still waiting on my offer for the day shift job, but have been in communications with the guy who will be my new boss, and he has assured me that it's coming but just held up in HR processing and whatnot. If it were anyone else, I'd have doubts, but one of the things that has drawn me to want to work in this other department is their shining reputation for a good working environment and trustworthy management. I have two close friends who work there now, having transferred from my current department to there, and they both have told me nothing but positive things about what will be my new job. Well, other than that the training process is nonexistent, but still...

In other news... I did meet with a lawyer and got some preliminary paperwork to fill out. I'm working through it but it needs a lot of financial information that I either don't have (i.e., the restaurant) or will have to dig for. Jeff knows and he speaks to me even less now (if you can believe that's possible), rarely even looking at me most of the time. He is truly a master in the art of "last stands." It seems he's going to cower in a corner until a stranger signs a piece of paper telling him to leave my house. No fighting for it, no fighting to save/help the marriage, no trying to convince me that I'm making a mistake. Par for the course...

Not that any of that would matter at this point anyway... We've finally gotten to the point where I can honestly say I don't love him. I care what happens to him insomuch as it affects the kids and me still to an extent... But I don't love him. A year ago, I still loved him. Six months ago, I still loved him. Now... No. He helped me clear that up, though I am not without scars. Then again, I've also read a couple of small things about going through the grieving process while dealing with a divorce. I wondered if my return to love for him while I was trying to save our marriage wasn't a shade of "bargaining." Telling myself I could make piece with certain things and move forward when it was probably never a good idea that I do so. Then again, that might be one of the prices one pays to adhere to marriage vows. It's not always going to be what you want all the time--and you're going to have to pick your battles. Unfortunately, in the end the only real scenario I was given in order to stay in the marriage was "sit down and shut up. It is what it is." Of course, Jeff is far too passive to admit that that was the way of it. But it was... I'm not sure I know any self-respecting woman (or person) that would be okay living like that.

I can't even imagine what this is going to be like for my kids. I have absolutely no perspective on what they are going through--which is both surprising and sucks. When my parents got divorced, they were both around and present in my and my brother's lives a pretty normal amount of the time. My dad worked days and was home in the evenings. Mom worked retail at nights, but not every night. Occasionally, we went to a grandparent's house for babysitting, but not often. So when my parents fought, split up and dad moved out... It changed our lives to a rather dramatic degree. My going to day shift will be a change for us all... But Jeff not living here? It will have almost no impact on the day-to-day landscape. I feel kind of like the worst shock for the kids has already happened and passed. The future is just about mopping up the details and making things right by me. Like I told Rowyn, she might actually see Daddy more if he didn't live here (scheduled visitation and whatnot).

So I'm still in a bit of a holding pattern, but I'm a little bit further down the path toward something that I think will be much, much better.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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