new | old | Private Archives | profile | rings | cast | email | book | notes | Blip | host | image | design

Mood:
Watching:
Reading:

Feeling...
2012-02-20, 11:21 p.m.

...numb.

Maybe it's just the ativan though. I never can tell when Jeff and I being awake in the house together is going to blow up, so if I can chemically nip it in the bud, then it's best for everyone. That way I'm not "bitter" or "out of control." After 15 years of knowing me, you would think that he would be more concerned at seeing me fly off the handle than just seeing an opportunity to throw it in my face at how just utterly nasty I can be toward him. I seek and appreciate balance. I am an introvert and an avoider of conflict. I do not yell and scream unless I am past the end of my wits and so far removed from my wits that I can't remember when I last had wits. Jeff does this to me. Him and his passive aggressive bullshit that he doesn't understand what he's doing and therefore can't own, let alone remedy.

Even by the end of conversations that weren't supposed to blow up--ones where there was control throughout and no one raised their voice--he still manages to hit a hot button by the end and suddenly I'm yelling.

How does anyone live this way?

Having taxes done tomorrow and hoping for good things. There are a few home-improvement things that I'd like to do and many more that I NEED to do.

Blah, blah, blah... Buried in Marriage complaints and monotony, if anyone reads through all of that, is you. Things about you that I had given up on trying to understand--mostly because they didn't concern me in the end--that come back to mind when you come back into a state of real-life existence. "Leave them to their own dysfunction," someone we both know once said and for many months now that has been the way of it. Functioning or not, I didn't know and barely cared. Mention of a proposed hypothetical future pseudo-relationship and suddenly I'm in a place that I sort of recognize, but it's not the place that I once knew. What the hell was "Friends and Lovers" anyway? And what the hell is this? This is a state of things where if I was 24 and never had been married I might be accustomed to, but this is not that. This is not "Friends and Lovers" and this is not that "You don't really exist to me anymore" place. This is somewhere in the middle and...

And...

I'm tired.

It's like watching a train that you know is going to crash and you have to decide if you're going to be 1.) on it 2.) driving it 3.) the poor fucker sitting on the railroad tracks in his car somehow unable to escape or 4.) in another state somewhere and having no knowledge of the impending disaster.

Dysfunction. It knows me. It finds me.



last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03





Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker




i'm in ravenclaw!
be sorted @ nimbo.net
Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com