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Here's your hat, what's your hurry?
2011-02-27, 1:51 p.m.

Round and round we go... Will we stop? Not for me to know...

Last night, Jeff did indeed come home. Walked in the door, straight past me, up to bed. I waited for things to get quiet--to know for sure that he wasn't planning to come back down and talk to me, and went upstairs after him. Rowyn was still awake, so he said he'd be down, but I knew he'd have to get her to a place where he could get away first. I also knew that he would fall asleep before that happened... So I sat quietly, eventually got myself a little worked up, and went up to get him--knowing that any conversation to be had would be useless considering he was mostly asleep.

He seems to be surprised that when I expected him to start the separation, I meant right away. However, I'm about 99% certain that it was stated outright. Then I gently reminded him over the course of the week... Still, he's surprised. Again, he made the useless gesture of, "Fine! You want me out, I'll go get dressed and leave." Great. That solves tonight, but what about every other day after? Considering he has to be here several days over the week, there needs to be understandings reached and more likely than not, things should probably come to fruition amicably. I don't have another alternative besides just staying married--I work until 1 AM. This is the nature of life as we know it right now. If he leaves the house on an overtly negative note and does actually come back to sit with kids at night... Uhg... I don't necessarily feel like I can't trust him to behave appropriately in the house without me present, however I've seen the ugliness that comes out in people in these situations.

He seems to see it as something like that since him and the mistress are, though still friendly, not currently engaged in a heated love affair that I should be satisfied with that. The question inevitably follows though, "Have you actually stated though that it's over? Or is it just that you haven't gotten around to being together lately?" Invariably, it's the second choice, but that's not even the most important part. The part the keeps the separation on the forefront of my mind is that he refuses to even attempt to re-engage himself here at home, as any of the roles that he's supposed to fulfill. He is not my husband nor any kind of partner at all. He's not any kind of shareholder in the upkeep of the house; it serves his purpose as a roof over his head and that's about all the association he seems to claim with it. Though his love for the kids is still apparent, he used to be an incredible father--now he's just too tired and preoccupied to reach that height, and it's apparently a sacrifice that has been worth it to him. He refuses to turn anything around--and he's the only one who can.

He has chosen, at every turn, to make his life solely about the restaurant and everything that goes with it--regardless of the pricetag.

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Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
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Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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