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Warming up...
2015-04-22, 9:33 p.m.

Thanks to my marriage, and some other related events around it, I have developed a superpower.

My superpower is...

I see Narcissism. Everywhere.

Now, granted... It really is more prevalent in today's world than at other points in history--Here in the world of "come look at me" Facebook status updates and prolific "selfies" to the point where I know the look of some of my friends' faces better than I know my own. But Narcissism, as a personality disorder, I'm like a fucking Little-Orphan-Annie decoder ring for Narcissistic rage and some degrees of gaslighting. Thank you to all those who made this special talent of mine possible...

Not really. Actually, fuck you very much.

I can spot a passive-aggressive act from 50 yards away. I can usually tell you why it was done, who the target was meant to be and exactly what degree of crazy-making it was meant to inspire. But it's not all it's cracked up to be. I see it EVERYWHERE, and thanks to years of gaslighting, I doubt what I see more often than I should. I can't always tell what was meant to be a malicious act and what was legitimately an accident or oversight. I trust my superpower completely, and I trust absolutely nothing that I see.

Can you imagine how conflicting that is?

And on the topic of conflict... I've also come to the realization that my PTSD from my marriage is much worse than I thought it was. Conflict, arguing... triggers a stress reaction in me that I have not yet figured out how to control. My heart races, my hands shake and there's at least a 50/50 chance that it'll be a depression trigger too.

So what does one do about this? I'm finding that giving into the fight instinct of fight-or-flight is not helping. Flight isn't really an option either, but rather a variation. I'm making peace with the idea that it isn't my job or my business to open anyone's mind. No one needs to see things my way or try anything for my sake. If they'd like to, then that's fine, but I'm not willing to fight for it. I will compromise where I can... On things that don't matter. I will compromise, because I can only control ME. And on things where I can't compromise but am not willing to fight, I'm trying to teach myself how to pick my battles better and just walk away from the conversation/issue. I'm not out to change anyone's mind or way of doing things. It's not up to me.

last - next

Period - 2017-04-10
What happens if I press this button? - 2015-04-27
Warming up... - 2015-04-22
Reboot - 2015-02-09
Glitter in the air, etc. - 2015-02-07

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