Mood:
Watching:
Reading:

Holding pattern, either way
2011-04-29, 12:18 p.m.

I am on the edge of making what will very possibly--almost certainly--be a mistake. I'm allowing some negotiations with Jeff for attempting to reconcile. Why will it be a mistake (other than what has been described in the 50 or so entries over several months)?

Because it will likely be an illusion.

We may get to a point where we don't fight daily, via text or in person. We may even reach a place where we can tolerate being around each other for whatever periods of time that may come available. That's part of the problem though... There is no time. Much like I had said back in July and August of last year, rebuilding a marriage takes time, work, conscious upstream effort, etc. Jeff has no time and he's no good at communication. So... Where does that leave us. He'll maybe ditch his mistress. I'll stop "shopping" for new men in my life but then what? We're not even back to the "happy enough" that we were a year ago, at that rate. What will happen? More affairs. More lying, probably, because though we are in a fairly ideal situation to have "allowable infidelity" or nonmonogamy or polyamory or whatever, neither one of us really has it in us to be honest and communicative the way we have to be for such a scenario to not cause a problem. He'll kind of keep me on what he feels is a "need to know" basis--though I'll find out everything in the end anyway... And I'll be lonely because my husband is balls-deep in that fucking restaurant, with or without a piece of ass on the side there. ...but I won't be lonely, because I've broken the seal on how not to be lonely and who knows if there's any going back from there?

In the end, nothing matters until my dayshift job is realized. Until then, it's just a holding pattern... Holding pattern on the way to something good? Holding pattern on the way to something bad? Which is which, after all? Yeah... I guess we'll all have to wait and see.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

be sorted @ nimbo.net