new | old | Private Archives | profile | rings | cast | email | book | notes | Blip | host | image | design

Mood:
Watching:
Reading:

Honesty is my Flaw
2012-05-14, 10:01 p.m.

Learning to love life by living through loss and mistakes
Lessons learned then gradually surfacing
Letting go, stripping naked to scream
I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be
I am alive in this world of face-first falls and public breakdowns
I'm a retarded, disfigured clown
Dying to be heard for the simple art of letting this heavy wall finally fall
I'm an equal being of no race or color
A hallucination if you will
Sneaking into the lives of strangers and letting them fall apart
To a new rhythm, just to feel better
--"Retarded Disfigured Clown" by Blue October

I am not perfect. I have made mistakes. My mistakes have NOT been unique to me, in some cases. I'm really not all that sorry for the road I had to travel to get to where I am now. I don't lament the things and people that I lost along the way. I think about it sometimes and I think, "if I just would've done a couple of certain things just a little bit differently, then things wouldn't be as they are." I could've not started seeing John, which would've meant that I would've swam upstream against another series of my husband's bad decisions--supporting him, rationalizing for him why it's all right, denying things that were right in front of my face and making up explanations why they make perfect sense in this universe where common sense says they don't. I could've done that... I could've kept living the lie in the hole that I dug for myself. Instead I decided to go another direction. It was not the shortest distance from point A to point B, but there were some highlights along the way. I learned a lot about myself that I never knew. In the end, the simplest way to preserve the way of life that I once knew while still being true to myself was to just simply lie. But I'm no good at lying. I don't really like doing it. So when I was asked what I was up to... I told the truth. That, more than anything else, is what I view as my blunder in this whole ordeal. If I wanted to not rock the boat, I certainly should've just lied.

We see a theme emerging there... I went through a period when, for some divine-presence-forsaken reason, I could only attract attached men. I was in a hell of a mental state during this time and, though I can't really say I condemn people now that I condoned during that period, I reacted to it in a way that was... well... a knee-jerk reaction. There was no deeply thought out response to any of it... Just reaction. Reaction to be flattered by the attention that I had been missing for so long. I didn't wreck anyone's Goddamn homes, and I honestly don't think I would have done so if given a real opportunity... Though... Who fuckin' knows? Like I said, it was a hell of a mental state. Anyway, me and my curse of honestly strike again. I was very open about everything to people I thought I could trust. One, Nikki, disappointed me. There were others who rolled with it. They supported me when it made sense. Didn't when it didn't, but waited for me to get my head on straight. Honestly was my flaw with Nikki though, and the fracture made more sense than most of what preceded it. What's that stupid internet quote? "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best?" If I wanted to maintain the status quo there, I really should've hidden my darkest time away and kept it only for me. It wouldn't have been hard to do. But... I didn't. I knew this rule, and I said "No, we're past this... I can be open." Nope. Honestly is my flaw.

And John... My sweetest downfall... *Laughs* I know the rules here. And I know what is bullshit. And I have a compulsion toward honestly. Honestly is my flaw. So many stories I could tell... "Honestly is my flaw" sums it up. Roleplaying isn't a game, it's a lifestyle. 'nuff said. I want a life, not a made-up role.

So, in the past 2 years, I've discovered that I have surrounded myself with people who want me to be something, play a role, tell a lie. In each instance, honesty and and impulse shattered the illusion. I'm not all that sorry. What kind of life was I living anyway??

I am a good person. I had to take a hammer to the glass house to emerge in the real world, but the person standing in the grass and wind instead of the carpet and A/C... This person is a good person. The future is bright. I really kind of don't think I'm going to be forming any new, deep attachments to anyone--especially romantically--until I can learn what I'm doing to attract people for whom I'm expendable, and then not do it anymore.

...And I'm okay with that.



last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03





Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker




i'm in ravenclaw!
be sorted @ nimbo.net
Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com