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Theoretical Crush
2012-05-23, 8:57 p.m.

So, last night's bitterness was a moment of weakness, I suppose. Every so often a tsunami of memories from one direction or another smashes into me and all of the recent memories I have of anything that remotely resembles a "relationship" with a man (with anyone, really) are bad. I think I might be able to get past it all a little better if I could take the memories in pieces, bites--if you will, and chew them slowly to process it all. Instead, something reminds me of someone (any relevant someone) which reminds me of something else, which reminds me of 5 other things and so on... Even what starts out as a good memory snowballs into a chain reaction of frustration and/or rage.

It's hard for me to actually admit and submit to--and maybe I already have here--but I don't think I'll be dating anytime soon after my divorce (or in the "now" era of separation prior to divorce). I just don't attract people who are good for me.

In that vein, I've met someone who I think would be very, very good for me. Actually, he's the best male-friend (male just-friend) I've had in about a decade. True to form, he doesn't date and if he did, he thinks he's looking for something that fits a different image than what I have to offer. We don't talk about the remote possibility of him and me ever dating, but other conversations have led me to know that I'm not what he thinks he's going to be looking for when he gets around to dating and relationships and whatnot. I'm not pursuing him, but I guess you could say I have a theoretical crush on him. The development of our friendship has made it such that I could turn those feelings into something more if I knew it was a safe bet. Since I know it's not--I don't. We are just friends and that's probably--almost certainly--all it will ever be.

He was not the inspiration of last night's bitterness, just in case there's any question. He's maybe the only not-related-by-blood male person in my life who can make me smile these days. That's probably where the theoretical crush comes from. He's a bit quirky--takes some getting used to and it took me many months to really appreciate him without wanting to strangle him on a daily basis. It'd actually be pretty wise of him to consider dating me since I'm already broken into his personality. But it is what it is and it's probably good that it's not anymore than it is. I'm probably not ready to be with a decent guy with honest intentions without screwing it up with my periodic bitterness.

I am such a cliche.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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