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Update of the Month
2011-05-28, 11:11 p.m.

Twenty-nine days with no entry... I suck. That is highly uncharacteristic of the diarist that I've become over the past year or so.

God... It's been nearly a year since all of this started. I honestly think about that every day lately. ...then I wonder how many more years I will have to endure what has become my reality. I have no one to blame outright but myself for how I am feeling now, but I did make my decisions based on some seriously fucking faulty intel. Such is life, and it goes on.

My depression lately has been really, really bad. One can only look around for so long, seeing only dead ends, until one decides that one is actually deep in a dark hole.

On the upside, I've made a series of what I find to be pretty good choices lately, though they don't make me "happy," they at least make me "good." And honestly, I never wasn't good. I really wasn't. It just wasn't time for me to make those choices. Some people understand that. Others... Not so much, but they don't matter anymore. What really fucking sucks about that though is that those who judged me prematurely--against anything else they SHOULD'VE known about me--should've known that when the chips were down, I'd make the right call. Would, did and have... Net effect to Karma is positive--I really believe that. I am a good person.

Depression though... I've spent a great deal of time chasing people who don't really want me. It takes a toll. I have been most "useful" but feel as though I've had little actual "value." That one of those people is my husband sucks A LOT. I have no idea what it would look like if we made it to the other side of a reconciliation--if it'd even be worth it--but I know we're only about half a step closer to getting there and it's a really long journey. I feel like I'm trying to build a bridge and he's following behind me with scissors... No, not even that. I'm not sure he's doing it on purpose or that he knows he's doing it (which is a whole other set of problems to work out). Maybe not scissors, but maybe trying to follow me on this bridge, but blindfolded and with razor-sharp blades on his shoes.

Very. Frustrating.

I don't know how this is all going to look when it is over, if it ever is... But I know I hate the way it looks now.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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