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"Was this over before, before it ever began?"
2011-05-29, 11:29 p.m.

"You were my greatest mistake; I fell in love with your sin"
--Anberlin "Feel Good Drag"

I am really, er... Thinking... about things today. Not over-thinking, not really... Just thinking a lot about how if anything over the past year can be considered a shining success of mine, it can be that I made a brilliant mess. Yep, sure did...

Some things are happening that I fully expected, though was temporarily led off course and so I wasn't expecting them to be happening NOW--but I knew it was coming. That is all working out more or less as I imagined, even if the past 5 months were NOTHING like I imagined, or at least hoped, they would be. But then again, the fall can't be hard when you never really reached a great height--so I am extraordinarily thankful that January through June were a bit of a disappointment. But anyway, stuff is ending up as I expected--I just wish I had been given the proper information on the correct timeline so that I could have absorbed and processed it all correctly. I was misled.

Surprise.

That'd be the summation of the past approximate 11 months of that same scenario. Things were never what I was led to believe they were. Sure, I recognized more as time dwindled away--but not without the appropriate level of pain. What I know now is that things were never what I thought they were. Where I had just thought the situation was changing, settling, becoming less because that was all that could really be expected from the set of circumstances in which I was involved... No, I was misled about many things from the beginning. Things that just didn't seem to be important enough to mention, but really would've made a huge difference to me. I would have made different choices, I think. I don't see where I would have had any choice but to make different choices than what I did. I'm not a complete fucking idiot. I'm not a relentless masochist... At least not in the emotional arena... But as it was, I made the choices I made and it has shaped my life such that it has and I have to live with that. I can blame others for being dishonest, or at least evasive, with me but I only blame myself for the stupidity that manifested in my actions.

I comfort myself by knowing that even if I hadn't made the decisions that I made that more or less helped wreck the life I knew a year ago, even if that hadn't happened, I'd still be miserable today. There are other things that are way outside of my jurisdiction that affect the core of my life--things that my husband controls that I have no say in. Although, I'd have more pull in that area were it not for all the rest that I DID have control over.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
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Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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