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Seeking help or Selling out?
2011-06-11, 5:41 p.m.

There is no win or lose; there is only change and stagnation. I'm beginning to think that this is an absolute truth of existence.

Jeff is pretending to comply with eh, some of the things that I've asked for in order to improve our relationship and ultimately try to save our marriage. He's not putting a lot of effort into it and it's not a very convincing show. Only, he doesn't understand what is not convincing about it. He doesn't understand why I'm still very, very upset--both with him and in general. I'm not sure just what exactly he thinks he's doing that should be making me happy or content or just merely not miserable, but whatever it is he doesn't understand why it's not enough for me. As it is, I'm still not happy, not content and very markedly miserable.

So today, earlier as I sat in the cover of my figurative depression-hole, all I could think was "I have to file for divorce. I have no choice. This is never going to get better. I'm back here again. I have to file for divorce and he's never going to understand why I did it. It's always going to be about me and how I wanted something that he wasn't or couldn't give. I'm going to have to do this and deal with whatever THAT life ends up looking like because THIS life is never going to change for the better." I went through that line of thinking for a good long time and had a couple of other situational setbacks through the late-morning/early-afternoon when I just decided to text him, "I want to go to therapy. You think you're doing everything right and I'm still miserable, so we need help." He agreed and, of course, I will have to be the one who sets it all up and God only knows if he'll actually put forth an effort once we get there and God also knows that I don't particularly want to talk to a stranger about how fucked up my life has become... But we're going. At least I'm planning for us to go.

The more I thought and drove myself crazy earlier today the more I wanted to text him and just unpack it all. He never replies--sees it as me trying to bait him into an argument or just plan an unprovoked attack when I do things like that--which infuriates me even if I wasn't really mad to begin with. So I can't unpack it to him, nor would it help if I did. I don't have any friends left who haven't heard my stories and given me their feedback and I know what all of them think (Why are you still married?). I've exhausted his family, who would just rather pretend everything is swell. I can't talk to my family. So... I'm thinking therapy for me--at least pay someone to listen to me talk and say the same things over and over again... Maybe it'd even help. Only, I know what even a therapist would say, "You're probably not ever going to be happy in this situation. Maybe you need to give some serious thought to moving on." That's assuming he/she only heard my side. I really think that's the only conclusion to be drawn based both on how miserable I am and the feedback I've already received from non-professionals. So that's where I got the bright idea to try to get him to come along. He will, though I doubt he'll conduct himself any differently with a doctor in the room than he does when I try to talk to him alone.

This, if we go through with it, is very decidedly the last chance for us.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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