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Smoke and Mirrors
2011-07-16, 10:15 p.m.

My marriage may be moving toward a more positive place, but then again it could be an illusion. Time will tell, as always.

In spite of going to couples counseling and being set on the path that I should have accepted and embraced a year ago (for better or worse, or something like that), I do spend a fair amount of time (or more) revisiting and reanalyzing some of the events of the past year. Nah... That's not really fair to say. It's not that I am scrutinizing anything, it's just that certain things unexpectedly remind me of my more recent misadventures. Today, for some reason, the post-sex scene from the movie Heathers popped into my head--the part where Veronica starts of talking about how she was once believed to be a genius due to high IQ scores and ending with JD saying, "Heather Chandler is one bitch that deserves to die." I'm not sure why I was thinking about this... Anyway, as it was playing in my head it just sort of struck me at one point that there was something very familiar about the way those two interacted. Granted, I never planned any murders-to be made to look like suicides-with said playmate of mine. The subject matter may be different, but the dynamics of the relationship and flow of interaction are uncomfortably familiar. Talk about craving to make true the wrong kind of fairy tale.

Fuck.

And now, as I recently told my husband, I am chasing a fairy tale that looks like a very reasonable, realizable reality. It is frustrating and heartbreaking.

In quasi-related news, I've tried my hand back out at some candle magick over the past month. I look like a pretty shitty pagan on the surface--probably seem like a big poser (wearing a pentacle doesn't make you a witch, as a little turncoat birdy once told me), but just because I can no longer rattle off neo-pagan lore and hocus pocus doesn't mean it's not in my heart. I feel it, the energy--it's just a shake more chaotic than it needs to be. I need to study meditation and get my shit together. Celtic Pagans of old didn't study from books; of course, they had the benefit of mentors and elders and legends passed down from word of mouth which I do not have. However, studied or not, I am a Pagan at heart.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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