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Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner...
2012-08-11, 7:32 p.m.

I locked out a number of my entries about 5 years ago because they dealt with my brother's illness and he was a regular reader here--the only member of my blood-family that has ever been (that I know of) or was ever invited to be... Anyway, that stuff he didn't need to see, so I hid it. I may have posted this earlier, but here it is again: Username--"rosecolored" and password--"glasses" ... Not sure about capitalization, so you may need to play with it to get it to work but there it is.

Meatloaf is in the oven, and I (theoretically) have some time to kill...

Sometimes I excel at just pouring out my scrambled up thoughts in spoken or (more likely) written form... Sometimes not. Here with my kids, we often have the following exchange:

Me: I love you.
Them: I know.
Me: How do you know?
Them: I just know.

So when something like that just popped out when I was talking to Chad last night, it was somewhat of a reflex and mostly unintentional. The answer, of course, was certainly more elaborate than a 4-year-old's "I just know," as should be expected...

Comparisons to past unpleasantness are never a preferable course of action, but here's what I KNOW for sure... In 2008, shortly after Rowyn was born and somewhere around the time that things were beginning to be "not quite right" in my marriage... It was the very beginning of the beginning of the end, if you will, around the time when it truly was a surprise to Jeff when I asked him, "how would your life be different right now if we were separated?" (having asked because, to me, life seemed like it would really not be much different at all... Even then...)... But anyway, around that time I had heard on the radio that some relationship study suggested that it would help with rekindling/reconnecting if a couple made a point to have 3 or more kisses in a day that lasted at least 10 seconds. It occurred to me that, there were really NO kisses in the daily course of my marriage at that time that lasted more than a fraction of a second. I presented this to Jeff... Give me 30 seconds out of your entire day and maybe we'll start to be close again. He couldn't do it. Not one single day between that conversation and the day he moved out was there a conscious effort to give me 3 10-second intervals out of the day.

That is not something I foresee happening again in my current relationship. Even in the face of a lost-connection for whatever reason... I feel fairly confident that there will always be kisses if I want them or ask for them.

In another vein... Roughly July 2010, at the beginning of what I thought--what seemed like it had no choice but to be--an epic love affair, there was a conversation. We will NOT speak the words, "I love you." At the time, and given the background I was given, I took that to mean that those words were off limits for as long as my situation was what it was. It was not fair to profess love to someone--even if I believed I felt it--when I was situationally stuck elsewhere. I learned later that this was not the case. I had signed up for a love where there was never allowed to be "LOVE." The intention of the agreement was that NEVER in the course of EVER should I expect to be told I was loved and that speaking it myself would only make me out to be a fool.

That is also not something I need to worry about now. I'd like to be able to say that "I chose wisely this time" but almost as if there was a force of Fate or a spin of Fortune's Wheel, things really just fell together, and fell the right way this time.

We live and we learn and sometimes we are just in the right place at the right time and just get really, really lucky.

last - next

Rambling - 2012-09-27
Must. Have. Apathy... - 2012-09-17
Conflict Resolution - 2012-09-16
Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18

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