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Empty and boring
2010-08-12, 10:57 a.m.

...and this is my cycle.

I feel empty. I actually really miss TJ in this moment. I do have to admit though--he'd have kicked my ass long before I ever got as far into my situation as I did. One way or another, he'd have never let me proceed in the precise way that I have.

But yeah, empty... I guess I'm missing some backstory. I've been feeling for several days like I need to look hard at changing jobs. I was sure I was going to get a new job in 2009, either by transferring departments or by getting something with a new company. Yeah, well... Not so much... Anyway, I settled in and things are okay for the most part--most of the time--now. My crews of technicians are much more capable than ever before and I don't have as many late nights. My manager is a good guy and--even better--doesn't bother me much. Anyway, but the general pattern of things for some time is as follows: Work, sleep, wake up too late, bum around the house for a few hours, get ready for work, repeat. Somewhere along the way, with trying to get enough rest and taking care of the kids, I just stopped doing "all the things that make me, me," as I've said before to Jeff.

Losing myself = miserable me and maybe = projecting more unhappiness onto and injecting it into my marriage than maybe needed to be there. I don't know, it's a stretch... But it's an avenue that I an pursue and no matter what happens, I still should come out of it a better person. So, the first step is to reclaim some of my hobbies and interests. Do more things for myself that are really for ME. It's a very, very small thing, but I had forgotten how much I love the scent of incense. I actually can smell it on me a little bit now at work and it perked me up a little. I had a slight urge just now to type, "I wish I would've never given up Paganism all those years ago." However, I know that's not right and I had my reasons at that time and they were good ones that I believed in whole-heartedly.

Well anyway, the contentment and energy of having a path to pursue, in terms of now I have a solvable problem to work on... The high that comes with that is punctuated by the crashing low that follows with the sentiment of, "I'm settling--and that's how it has to be." I don't even know that that's true, but it's hard not to tell myself that in these moments... and to be disappointed. I guess it won't ever really go away, this fear, unless it is found to be untrue.

Nikki said once that she believed if she was ever single, she'd just be a hermit--happy to have solitude, or some such idea like that. I'm in that place now sometimes. There are times when just to be alone would be heavenly.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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