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Conflict, sans resolution kind-of-day
2010-08-23, 1:09 a.m.

I'm tired a little early tonight. Shall it be a short entry?

As usual, I'm feeling a great deal of conflict today. After my argument with Jeff last night, I spent a great deal of time thinking about choices--the ones I have made and the ones I am still making. Granted, I don't feel like my choices and actions were the ones that got us here to this bad place, for the most part, but my failure and resistance to even consider making the right choices now certainly impedes any progress.

...Right choices... *sigh*

Then again, I have to wonder... Why is it on me to be the one to make the "right choices?" I guess someone always has to be the bigger person, but damn... Anyway, then--as I said in the last entry--I spoke to Brandon and laid out my history and the history of my and Jeff's relationship/marriage, and it usually makes me feel justified. It did today as well. All it really means though, if we're all being perfectly honest, is that I never should've gotten married... But I did and for some things, just undoing them does not equal making up for the fact that they were done in error to begin with. Marriage, including children, is decidedly one of those things.

I got home to find that things are even rougher than I knew in terms of the operations of the restaurant... And I got to thinking again--this is what I was talking about in May/June when I said that we should've just walked away from it when stuff started to look off-kilter. These are the kinds of things that I was fearing... and for a second, there was peace. The thinking that my originally negotiated terms (though the negotiations were one-sided, at best) of "If this goes South and wrecks things hugely, I'm not going to be able to handle it and I refuse to share the consequences." On the other hand, how much does that even matter? I knew before I married him that Jeff is prone to really bad decision making and his reasoning skills for coming to his decisions are weak at best. He doesn't see badness coming and he doesn't anticipate negative effects tied to his choices. He never has. I think it exacerbates my over-thinking because of my general overthinking tendencies and then just having to reach baseline thought levels on his side as well. But again, I knew all of this going into the marriage. The fix we put in place then that was supposed to save a lifetime of trouble was that, "all of his decision-making priviledges have been removed." Of course, that made some sense in the short term, but was unlikely to stick forever--and it hasn't, and we're where we are.

For the record, I was against buying the restaurant from the moment it came up. I hopped on board when it seemed like something was finally going to be as simple as it seemed (which was wrong, of course) and because I was desperate for a way out of my job, as I was going through a rough time at work when this ball started rolling. Things, of course, haven't been "good" at work for some time, but there are always highs and lows. April/May, as I recall, was a low. May/June wasn't so much greater, but I got myself used to the idea again that it is what it is and the restaurant wasn't going to save me.

It's an hour later. Dammit. Zzzz....

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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