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Just keep swimming...
2010-08-16, 12:25 a.m.

Meh... I'd rather be writing an email than a blog entry. I probably still will be writing some email afterward. Besides the ones I want to write, I owe at least one person a a reply.

So, for the sake of not wanting to answer for what was truly, truly casual conversation, I hid my phone last night. Then I ended up falling asleep early with my son. When I got up in the morning, my last text message had already been viewed, my hiding spot was slightly disheveled and there was a text from my husband reading "I deserve better than this." *sigh* So do I... I mean I really, really do.

The quote, about stress, from the magnet: "Stress is what happens when your gut says no but your mouth says, 'I'd be delighted to...'" There's a whole lot of "I'd be delighted to" floating around here for the sake of the "greater good." I almost am starting to wonder if Jeff has the same general idea that I have... Once he's stable in his restaurant and can support himself, maybe we really need to start talking some truth to each other. I've been wrong before, and constantly, but I just can't see how he'd want to or be willing to share that success with me considering the way he seems to view me. And fine, I deserve some of it... Sure. But I'm here and I'm saying "I'd be delighted to..." and that should count for something.

I hate, hate that the therapist says that I don't seem to really want to work on the marriage. I hate it possibly because I am here saying "I'd be delighted to." What the fuck am I doing here then? I told Jeff tonight that I'm willing to try to swim upstream to meet him, but not if he's trying to swim upstream to get away from me. "Is that what I'm doing?" was his answer. After telling me earlier how the events of last night upset him so much (to which he could only be referring to the texts and the hiding of the phone, because I was actually putting in some effort to get close to him otherwise...) After he said, "We really need to talk because I'm not as stupid as you think I am" and "no more lies." After that... Once we finally had the kids to bed tonight and could talk, he says: "I don't care anymore." Fucking Bullshit. I fucking care, if only for my kids most of the time, but I care and that's a starting point. It has to be...

I made a point to tell him, "I'm not as guilty as you think I am." I really am attempting to do the right thing, for all the stress it is causing me. Points for that? No? *sighs* Okay then...

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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