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Clean sweep
2010-08-17, 2:32 p.m.

Today has been a bad day for me... Well, yesterday too... In terms of a depression coming on. I think it has a bit to do with the "impatience" topic that I don't have time to explore here. It has a lot to do with the fact that my husband doesn't see the need to make time to sit down and talk to me about things--all of this supposed "work" we're committing to do--and doesn't understand why the excuse, "I've got a lot on my plate right now" isn't acceptable. God knows, if we don't make some time for "us," for the "work" then the marriage will be one less thing he will have to juggle at some point. When I'm not feeling depression, I sometimes feel bitter that this whole situation came about because I was the one who stated unhappiness--though even now, I'm the one chasing the solution. Fuck you, Ancient-non-Ph.D-Therapist Lady, for saying that I'm not willing to put in the work... that I don't want it. Granted, I've not always been sure on that point... And granted, even now I may not want it for the "right reasons" all the time, but God damn it, I'm here. I made choices and sacrifices and caused a shitload of pain, and I am HERE.

...and I am here alone, is how it feels sometimes.

Jeff says he's numb. That he's done all he can do and that even still I'm the only one who can decide to make ME happy. He's just waiting for me to make that decision. I don't know how to work with that. I know I'm trying; I know I'm chasing. I know that I can see old patterns creeping up, but I'm okay with that for one really good reason--when I see and experience the old patterns, I can put my finger on them, point them out and maybe have a chance at making some changes. I have a really hard time ever giving Jeff or the Ancient Therapist Lady examples of things that aren't actively occurring at this very moment.

Today, I swept the floor--almost throughout the entire house. This is an example of one of our patterns and actually a damn good metaphor for an intangible situation. I do value a clean floor, and once things get beyond my tolerance for filth, I will do a massive sweep. Jeff doesn't notice the crumbs and such, because he wears socks all the time, but I'm a bare foot kind of girl, so I pick up on every little bit of mess that falls under my feet. So I swept, in the hopes that one full, thorough sweep with put things back to an even keel and all that will need is routine upkeep and people picking up after themselves. I guarantee I'll be doing another massive sweep again in the future--but here's hoping for homeostasis.

So I know two things for sure right now. 1.) My floor is clean and 2.) I am a woman in my early-thirties who is not on great terms with her husband--I have basic needs that are not available to be met. I need to be "walked."



last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03





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