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He may never really trust me again.
2010-08-22, 1:53 p.m.

Jeff and I fought again last night, after a period of relative calm which was linked to either not seeing each other or some degree of avoiding me on his part. The pendulum for him swings between being very hurt and being numb, which I believe to be very understandable emotions/reactions, but it's hard for me to keep up. I'm afraid that we may be on the road to "hating each other."

I told the whole story again today of how Jeff and I started. Whenever I tell that story, I feel justified in my negative feelings toward my marriage, and I usually only tell that story when I want to feel justified. I ended up telling it to Brandon earlier today when I spoke to him about his move back to Ohio next month.

I can say with a strong amount of certainty that Brandon is not currently in a place to be more than just a friend. As I've said, "not gonna happen..." Life is currently complicated enough and it's enough of an uphill battle to even just justify having male friends at the moment. Brandon's also not a big fan of cheating--having been cheated on himself several times in the past. I'm not sure that he'd be willing to be an accomplice to such a situation even if the opportunity presented. Right now though, I'm going to go with the idea that I just hope it doesn't present. I don't want an additional connection or situation to add as a complication. I just don't.

That's not to say that I'm not already paying for it. The short session of texting between Brandon and me is what ultimately led to the argument last night. Suddenly, to Jeff, Brandon is added as a third to the list of men that I am stringing along--which is so wrong. Jeff feels as though he doesn't know where he and I stand, because he won't believe anything that I say. The only thing he'll believe is if I said, "I'm leaving, we're through." Even then, he won't accept it and he'll fight me and guilt me at every turn. John and I are in a place where we've reached an accord to be adamant about remaining just friends while I work on myself and, in turn, maybe repair my marital problems. It's an arrangement that's fairly easy-ish to maintain while he's on the other side of the country. I worry about if/how it may need to be re-examined once he's back in this state, but we'll cross that bridge when it presents. Brandon, again, not an issue. When/if the situation comes that he lives two hours away and if that is very unexpectedly too close to be good--then I guess I'll have to re-evaluate... Right now though *sigh* No. There is no stringing; there are no expectations; I honestly don't even know if there would really be an attraction between us--we haven't seen each other in 8 years--I'm sure the pictures we each have in our heads are different than the reality of the other person. Just a friend...

My Tarot reading at the Psychic Fair was somewhat interesting, though not terribly helpful. As the inept reader said, the cards show that she's not telling me anything that I didn't already know. There's me, at the center--carrying too much of the burden and more than my fair share of responsibilities (10 of wands), crossed by the 8 of cups--indicating a search for personal truth, realizing that the current cycle may be over. Root of the situation is indicated by the 2 of swords (avoiding the truth, denying distress, avoiding unpleasantness and refusing to decide). The Ace of Cups showed up in the recent past position (getting in touch w/feelings, letting my heart lead the way, trusting an inner voice and getting close to someone). Immediate future held the page of pentacles, indicating being practical and sticking to commitments, but also getting events in motion. My card for what I wish would happen or the best possible outcome was the Hierophant, indicating sticking to something traditional and doing what's expected. Cards 7 - 9 were fine and fit in okay (Queen of Swords, 10 of Pentacles and Knight of Pentacles), but not worth going into in depth here. Card 10, the outcome, held the Page of Swords (think everything through, act honestly, face the facts, keep a firm resolve, (but also keep trying?)).

The reader also noted that as my reading was heavy in Minor Arcana, that fate was less of a factor--everything there was up to where I drove the situation, as much as or more so than with anything else. Again... there was nothing there that hasn't already gone through my head before. The cards indicated that I have a pretty good handle on what the situation is, even if it doesn't lead me feeling any easier about it.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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