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Magickal Esbat and Elusive Happiness
2010-08-24, 2:35 a.m.

Sleepy...

It's the first few hours into the night of this month's full moon date... Technically the full moon isn't for another 15 hours or so, so technically tomorrow night's moon maybe a little more representative, but *shrugs* what can you do? I've been wearing my new pentacle since I got it a couple of weekends ago (three maybe, I guess) and I've just been waiting for these nights. It's been (I hope) absorbing my own energies (which, granted, haven't been the best) and I'm hoping to really charge it in the light of the full moon tonight and tomorrow night.

As to the marriage... today was okay. I have a different idea of what it means to be "going through the motions" than what my husband seems to have. In his mind, it's all about deception. I'm going through the motions to deceive him into thinking I'm serious about working on the marriage. To me, it's a first step. Initiate the actions and see if the feelings follow. However, I maintain that the working on me, myself and I is the best first step to anywhere--and so I continue with that most earnestly. I can't say what the future brings in the long term... I'm mainly just trying to take it a day at a time and hope for the best. Happiness in the short term would suit me fine as long as it was real. My argument FOR getting married in the first place when everyone around me was trying to tear me down by pointing out that it wouldn't last was this: "Even if it doesn't last forever, what I know is that I am completely happy NOW." I've been reminding myself of that a lot lately when I get to thinking that I should've never gotten married. The person that I was 7.5 years ago could not be swayed. She was really, really happy and completely committed to the cause. In some senses, she was deluding herself, I guess and time and maturity may be bringing that out slowly, but she was happy... So happy.

So I remind myself of those times. Happiness in the short term isn't wrong, as long as it's real. Are there more short-term opportunities to be had? Here or elsewhere? *sigh* Sometimes life feels very, very short and to be moving very, very quickly to be able to know for sure what there is to know. Wow... Cryptic.

"A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets"
--Titanic (1997)



last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03





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