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Feeling stressed and sick.
2010-09-16, 1:23 p.m.

I don't feel well. I haven't felt well all week. I said this among my minions two nights ago. Ego-maniac, astrology-skeptic minion said, "well, maybe you're pregnant." I'd been threatening to throw a shoe at him all night--he very nearly earned it with that. He followed it up by saying that's what he says to any female who randomly isn't feeling well. Not funny.

Anyway, no... That's not it.

I don't know if it's that old nine of cups that did it to me or the eerie silence between Jeff and me regarding certain awkward topics or the revival of this certain topic at a creepy interval, but I am physically ill with stress at the moment.

I'm not happy with my marriage. I dread having another "I'm not happy" conversation because they are less productive than trying to eat chicken broth with a pair of chopsticks. I'm somewhat happy in my "family" and I'm not willing to accept the idea that I'd be just as happy if my family were structured slightly differently. I've been through a divorce--on the side of being a child. I tend to look at it through my adult eyes when I think that maybe it won't be so bad for my kids. I look at it from the point-of-view where I am now where I seem to have turned out pretty well... Most of the people I know who were children of divorce are okay and I understand it now--the whys and the hows of the situation that meant my parents should've never even gotten past a second or third date, let alone got married. Adults don't take into account that children feel things differently. When I take myself back to the place of being a child going through that experience--remembering those emotions and even then knowing that my parents were miserable together, not understanding why there was nothing to do but separate the family--I'm wrecked.

My children are adorable... Rowyn will just bust out with a random "I love my daddy." for no apparent reason at times. The other day she turned to me, "Do you love my daddy?" Of course, darling... For you, I do.

I wonder sometimes about some of the people I know whose parents waited till they were adults to get divorced. One was a surprise, the other two that I can think of off the top of my head were a long time coming. I wonder what those people, the parents, thought of my parents splitting up while the kids were still small(er)? I wonder if they were jealous of my parents for being honest with themselves and just doing it or if they judged my parents as being selfish... Of course, maybe they weren't even in a place then to have much of an opinion about it. Maybe they were still happy at that point.

Uhg... So nauseous... Time for more Tarot.

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Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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