"Like the mediator told me, you really don't want a divorce, do you?"
He'd like that wouldn't he? To know that on some level, for some reason that I can scarcely even dream up a description of because it is so far outside of anything relating to reality, that I don't really, truly want out of this disaster of a marriage to him? Something twisted, masochistic and utterly broken in me thinks that he is the best that I can get or should have and thus have some misguided reason to hang onto that?
I am ACHING to ask him to remember where he's living right now and why that is...
He did not leave me, physically... He'd still be sleeping in MY bed while I slept night after night on the couch if I hadn't thrown his sorry ass out and filed for divorce myself. If I had any shred of wanting to remain married, I would have let him back in this house at some point after being told some lie about wanting to work things out after some moment of charity that I would have shown him... That's more or less how it happened the first time when an attempt at separation did not lead to the filing of divorce in 2011.
Now? NOW, I want the divorce almost more than I want to draw another breath. I'm not crazy or wanting harm to come to myself--I just REALLY want to be rid of any non-essential attachment to him. I want the end so that I can be free to really experience a new beginning...
Being alone was (and still is, actually) completely preferable to being with Jeff, and I would have been totally happy that way, in my own way with whatever mechanisms I adopted to live my life as single and alone. It would have been not only fine, but actually probably pretty good. It was starting to look pretty good anyway.
But I'm not alone, and I DO have a new beginning just absolutely chomping at the bit to really, really get going in a way that is utterly unobstructed.
The future is so ridiculously bright and vibrant, and the foreshadowing now of it in the present is merely the reflection of those bold, brilliant colors muted by circumstances that are not entirely under my control.
It's time to get some control of this situation...
12:00 a.m. - 2012-09-16
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