Happy Birthday to me...
It has been a good day. Now that it's ending and I am tired and the house is mostly quiet, I started to think. Think about the way things come together and come apart and come together. Part of me wants to think about time I've wasted, but much of it was inevitable.
Wasted time with Jeff, for sure, but what if I hadn't? Where would I have gone? Someplace, surely... Someplace better? Maybe... Someplace worse? It's possible... I don't really like to factor my kids into those ponderings because, well... I'm fairly certain that if I hadn't married Jeff I would've married someone else. If I married someone else and maybe even if not, I'd still have had babies. They'd have still been my kids and in that alternate reality, I'd have thought that they were the greatest things ever. My kids are very, very super awesome--which I never remember more than when I see some other kids misbehaving in public or hear stories of other such transgressions against other parents... Anyway, but I would have had kids either way and I wouldn't know that what I had could be any better in the reality in which I married Jeff--the reality that I now know as my "past."
But anyway, tangent...
Wasted time with John, for sure... But what if I hadn't? Would I still be with Jeff? What would that version of that reality look like? Maybe I didn't have THAT affair in THAT reality, but would I have had another one? Maybe... Would Jeff still have gotten involved with Rachel? Regardless of what he says, the indisputable answer to that is "probably." Then what? I would have lost all control of everything in my life at that point. What a hard concrete slab of "real life" to crash upon.
This shitty divorce process is sucking months out of my life that I'd prefer to not give over to more "wasted time" for the future archives, but I know it'll be over soon enough and well... Whatever.
I wasted time doting on people who were better left as "friends" and never had any other place in my life but that--facts I knew at the time.
Life starts at 33? Will that be what I say years from now? Time will tell.
***New Tangent Alert***
Going back to what I just said about if I hadn't married Jeff I would've married someone else...
Right there--THAT is one reason why "marriage is weird." I guess when you take the magic of "the one" out of it, it really kind of leaves me wondering, "what does it even mean?" What's with the "title?" It's not that I wouldn't want it again, I just don't know how to define it now that the innocent, blind hope is gone from it. I'm fine with Love and the magic and special uniqueness of that, but what does it mean to be married? What does it mean to promise yourself to someone indefinitely, including beyond a horizon that you cannot see that contains a terrain that you can't even imagine... Knowing how well (or not) you managed to navigate the task once already?
It's a nice idea--the promise--I still like the idea of that. "Marriage" itself... needs a new definition in my mind though. I don't know what it means, honestly...
Wow... Interesting pattern of birthday thinking...
11:01 p.m. - 2012-09-29
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