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What do I want and why...
2010-10-25, 11:16 a.m.

Figure out what I want and why, and then weigh the pros and cons...

File that under the mass quantities of statements made over the past several months that are "easier said than done." I think if I said openly what I want, it'd probably surprise a lot of people. When I compare it against what is possible or at least likely in the real world... Well, what I "want" looks like something different.

I don't mind the idea of going back to what might be considered a "normal" marriage. I think that might be, in a perfect world, the absolute ideal arrangement--given everything and everyone involved. Me, Jeff, the kids and those on the outside whose lives we've complicated, if only for a short while... I just don't know that it can ever be that way. There is the issue of the concessions and the trusting, or not trusting, each other to do the thing that makes the other comfortable with the situation. It's just a whole lot of brokenness. A whole lot of deciding if the best that the situation can be in the present time will be enough for me to look back the next time things are blatantly broken and say, "I'm glad I was able to salvage a few more good months/years..."

Then again, there are people who go on like this for ages... Married, but each doing their separate thing and coexisting for whatever reason they have decided it's necessary. I keep telling myself that it's just a matter of waiting for the numb to set in. At the end of everyday I feel like I'm a little bit closer, but at the beginning of the next day everything is all raw again. I don't even know how this affects my views on polyamory, because we never gave that option an honest attempt.

What do I know for sure? I'm disappointed. ...in everything.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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