new | old | Private Archives | profile | rings | cast | email | book | notes | Blip | host | image | design

Mood:
Watching:
Reading:

Conversation and ponderings
2010-10-27, 11:17 a.m.

Random stream of consciousness entry... No, not today.

Jeff and I had a conversation yesterday where the general point of it was, without exploring certain specific details, that he's doing what he thought I wanted. Going out, getting friends of his own and that he and I should operate independent from one another... *sigh* The answer to that is yes... and no.

Yes, I told my husband that maybe I'd be happier or he'd be happier if he had a life outside of the house. Yes, I wanted him to have some friends--as I know how miserable he is when he's been isolated as a "homemaker" for all of those months. Yes, I think a little bit of autonomy is good.

However...

If the decision is such that we are to stay married, then there should be some overlap... Actually, kind of a lot of overlap in the middle. Well, if the decision is that we are to stay married and that we'd like to try and be happy together, that is. Once again, communication is not our thing. If it runs like a well-oiled machine on its own, then we are golden. If it creaks a bit in certain spots at certain times, we turn up the radio so we don't have to be faced with it. If it is officially broken... Well, shit.

I asked him for updates and communication. If he tells me he's going out, but will be home "as soon as he can" and I go to bed after midnight with no word from him, I'm bound to be annoyed--even without extra added complications that add speculation. A quick text might be in order in those situations. His reply, "I just won't go out anymore then." *sigh* Please consider what I'm asking and not what you think I mean...

This discontinuity between what we are claiming to be and what we really are is really frustrating to me. The way I feel when I'm at home vs. the way I feel when I'm anywhere else in the world really says something to me--and at the moment it feels like there's only one solution to that. I'm holding fast to my ideals about non-monogamy, as written in earlier entries. I think the thing that bugs me is that while I know what I think on the topic and where my internal controls are, I don't know what is driving Jeff at the moment. He won't talk about it and in our previous conversations on the matter, he didn't seem to share my views. It's that petty loss-of-control thing that hit me first and continues to stomp on my toe periodically. I've lost control of the "x" factor and the world is in a spin. Hold on tight and be sure and count all of your digits and appendages to make sure you leave with all the parts you brought in once the ride comes to a complete stop.



last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03





Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker




i'm in ravenclaw!
be sorted @ nimbo.net
Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com