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A whole lot of mental vomit, again.
2010-12-08, 1:05 p.m.

Ick... It's been a while. I guess it's all just been different shades of the same thing lately and I didn't want to repeat myself, um... Repeatedly. Doesn't do any good to do so--not for me or for anyone of you who might be reading.

There's a game, apparently, on Facebook now where you send someone a random number to use in place of your identity and they are supposed to pour out their soul, as far as how they feel about you, in their status update. Only one of my minions (actually the only one of any of my friends) has decided to play this. I can't do it since so many of my friends are work-related and either 1.) I wouldn't be able to be honest with them like that, for professionalism's sake, and 2.) well, no, I guess there's no #2 for that--#1 sums it up pretty well. Anyway, here's what this one minion had to say about me:

"you're a strong, intelligent, albeit opinionated, woman. you're fearless in voicing those opinions but, unlike many, you don't shy away from backing them up. You're so much like me it's scary (though probably not the me you know, i mean the real me). Lately you've seemed kinda bogged down with all you have going on. But unlike myself, that never seems to stop you from having a smile and something witty to say."

The "you're so much like me it's scary" part makes me wonder about somethings. He's right though--I don't actually know the "real" him, because the him I know is not terribly similar to me--only maybe just a very tiny bit around the edges. Anyway, this isn't going where it sounds like it's going--really, it's not. Where it is going is that that line made me wonder just how the fuck I ended up where I am now. I feel definitively now like I fell into the wrong crowd during my formative years, high school and such. I started to get it right in my senior year, but it didn't really gel on a global scale in my life.

I'm not sure what it was that I was trying to be, or thought I should be, but I think it really put a damper on who I actually am--or could have been. I do recall though, that part of the reason--a temporary, albeit vital part for getting through the situation I was in as a teenager--was for the purpose of flying under the radar at home. The least amount of attention I could draw to myself, the quieter I could be, the fewer demands I could make of things that I actually wanted for myself--the better. Keep your head down and just keep going...

But yeah, that has either led to, or added support for the other thing that I've been pondering for the last six months. I married unwisely. ...And I should've known better. ...Everyone else has known for years what I am just now finding out. Many of them were not too shy to say anything either--honestly, I think I just had decided by the time I was in my early adult years that it was time for me to take a stand and do something that I wanted to do, regardless of what anyone else said, did or wanted me to do. Admirable determination in certain arenas... Probably not always the best strategy for weighing against common sense when choosing a spouse...

So what now? *sigh* Well, the simple fact is that things cannot continue as they are forever. I feel like the relationship part of my marriage is pretty officially dead. The friendship part, I fear, is soon to follow, as we are continuing to exist under the facade as partners in something, but are working together on nothing (much more than has ever been the case before). Twice recently, I've had different people say to me something like, "I think you just need to decide to be friends, who happen to have kids together," or that if we can't manage to work out our problems then we "have two beautiful children together and that was [our] path." So what's the problem? Ugh... The problem is that while the relationship may be over and the friendship is on red-alert, the "arrangement" that is our life is written on the wall in black semi-permanent Sharpie marker. I've spent the better part of the last half of my life (some of it while I was chasing myself down the wrong path, as previously mentioned), setting up this house of cards and reinforcing it with super glue. It didn't go up in a day, and tearing it down is going to take more than a strong gust of wind.

Even after Jeff and I have had our, "we can't fix this and maybe we should try separating after the holidays" conversations, he's proceeded to do things that look more like staying together than splitting up. However, the two biggest things that he hasn't done are 1.) start to wear his wedding ring again and 2.) either stop seeing his mistress or decide to be more honest and try to compromise with me about that situation. Honestly, I think maybe it just hit him that he's going to be in a world of trouble when this ends and doesn't want to face that he has nothing in his life that is actually anything that he's worked for or earned himself.

But the arrangement... I can't say for sure when it will end. I know what the ideal conditions are for it to end--ironically they are the same conditions that I considered, until recently, to be the ideal scenario for us to be happy together (me on first shift and him being profitably employed). So, I don't know if January will bring the kind of change that I need. I worry about the financial bits, but suspect that it'll all be okay--just maybe a new budgeting scheme will be in order. I worry about the childcare piece of it--that still has me a bit stumped.

Outside of that, I ponder the aftermath on a personal level. I worry that the picture that I have in my head is just not realistic. I'm trying to set that aside and tell myself that, whatever happens, it will all be as it should in the end. I had someone else tell me, "You won't be single for long." I guess maybe what I need is a definition of "single" before I can decide if I agree with that or not.



last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03





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