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Enter Rational Seasons
2005-06-26, 9:17 a.m.

A new day... The last day of what was, and the last day before what will be. That's today.
As to my rant from yesterday, now that I got that all out, enter rational Seasons to do damage control (Before that though, thank you again to Nikki for her thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement--it really means a lot to me right now). Like I said yesterday, I'm not so worried about the pain, exactly, because I know it's coming and I know that the hospital will have lots of options to deal with it. The part where I get freaked out is when people start telling me that it's going to be something akin to medieval torture either before (from the pitocin) or in the weeks and months beyond the pain medication wears off (as in a C-section). More, my pain anxiety was for the surgery since I know all I have to do is hit those magic 4 little centimeters with the induction when they'll offer me the epidural (which I didn't want to plan on having, but between the size of the baby and the intensity of Pitocin once they crank it up, I give up... Give it to me).
My anxiety for the induction mostly focuses on what if my body really isn't ready for it? What if it says, "No, now we had planned for this in a week from now and dammit, that's what we want down here!" Honestly, I don't even care about the length or the pain or the energy spent for that either. I'm just worried for Jack. I don't want to go through hours and hours of useless contractions, all putting stress on him and cutting down on his oxygen, if it's just not meant to happen yet. All of that just comes from the fact that everything I've been hearing for weeks now is that there will be no induction, that I don't look like I'm in any hurry to go into labor, that it would be no use anyway. Now, suddenly, here we go. Whenever I do get to lay eyes on my doctor, I do hope to be in a state where I can ask her, "Just how did we end up right here, right now, again? Because I thought..." It just all seemed to happen so fast when we were in for our ultrasound and speaking to the perinatologist that most rational questions like that escaped us and then of course there was the excitement of, "What do you mean 2 days from now?!? Woo Hoo!!!!"
So, while I am a quite miffed at the plentiful number of harbingers of doom by whom I'm surrounded these days, most of my serious concern is just for the baby based on things I know to be true rather than things I've heard in passing.
All right, this really will be my last entry before we go in. Hopefully I'll be back by week's end with pictures.

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