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Trapped, times two
2010-11-26, 5:19 p.m.

Debating whether to go out into retail insanity tonight, or stay home and make sense of chaos--as in cleaning the house. I'm hoping to do a little bit of both before the night is over. It's still early, but feels like I'm running out of time thanks to the rather pretty sunset out the window behind me.

Jeff has been behaving, ummm... relatively neutrally ever since our "maybe our only remaining option is to live apart for a while" talk. I have no idea what he's thinking. I can't tell if he's cycled out of his most recent dickhead-mood just because it was time for an upswing... Or maybe he's trying to show a teensy bit of effort toward at least NOT being a jerk (notice I did NOT say toward being an attentive husband) because the conversation spooked him a bit... Or maybe he's excited for the looming change and he's trying to make the best of whatever time we have left as a family? I honestly have no idea. If it's the last choice, I suspect I won't even know it until I come home from work one day to find his bags packed and him ready to go. I'll be like, "umm?" and he'll say something like, "this is what you said you wanted back in November..." and I'll be still a little confused, with my only possible retort being, "well, but we didn't finalize plans? We never even actually spoke of it again after that one time..."

I know I probably don't make any sense, but I am obviously deeply conflicted. I hate, with every fiber of my being, the idea of my kids losing their family--even with good reason to split it up. It's a pain that just can't be explained if you haven't been there before--that, I'm sure of. I also hate the idea of continuing to be miserable, though I don't have a solid fix for that either. I feel trapped in two equally potent but completely opposite directions. Either trapped in a situation where I HAVE to end my marriage because there either are no other options or else no options that my husband and I are willing to work on together or else trapped in a terminally broken marriage, even if only for a temporary, but more extended, period of time because it's the thing that disrupts my children the least at this point...

Then again, today's Friday and the weekend is ahead. Jeff's behavior on the weekends is what leans me toward the first "trapped" scenario and a little further over the edge of reason.

Happy Holidays, right?



last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03





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