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An epiphany in reclusiveness
08-25-06, 11:02 PM

I am a cynic.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before, or if it isn't readily obvious in my entries, but there it is. I am a cynic and I LOVE it. And, if that weren't enough and in case you weren't just a little confused already, I'm also an optimist. Who knew? I guess I'm not usually both at the same time on the same issues, but I am both.

Well anyway, I've been thinking a lot about these random anti-social thoughts that keep passing through, and often taking up residence in my mind. I'm in a stage right now where I just don't care to be around most people. I have a few people that I feel a little closer to than others at work, but those are the only ones that I keep regular contact with, and mainly that's just at work. Once I get in my car and onto a public road, I am the independent state of Seasons. Please don't bother me, etc. And the funny thing to me about that is that I really don't mind that much. So I got to thinking, why would that be? Even my work friends who know me intimately in terms of my personality, even they don't really know much about why I am the way that I am. I tell things as they come up and other things I keep to myself for my own reasons. I hate to use the phrase "at an arm's length," because there really are people that I deliberately keep there and this is a little different, but kind of the same, I guess.

I just have no use of people in my life right now that are outside my family and random, faceless internet people. Is this something I'm developing into that will go away like a hermit-phase of my life, or is this something that is becoming part of me for good. I don't know.

However, I think I know why this is happening, even if I have no idea where it will end up. In a word: MySpace. It just occurred to me that the more accessible I am (and I go to great pains not to be), the more I draw back in disgust. As I watch my few buddies' buddy lists grow, ever more collecting people that I once knew (or knew of) in real life, the more disillusioned I become. And thus my cynicism is fed. The one, with whom I have deliberately and insensitively fallen out of contact with, has not a "Top 8," but rather something like the "top 15" or "top 18" or something. I've watched with somewhat of a morbid amusement as my little, barely-active icon has fallen from 3rd on the list, to 4th, to sixth and finally disappeared altogether. That, my darlings, is what we call being given up on and I know I've encouraged it through silence. I'm good with it. But then what also of the others? Those others who can, and I'm very sure have found me through the original friend... Those others with whom I thought I got along famously with back in the day, but care not to know me now? I never wanted to be found, but by virtue of having been found by one person who seems to be making it her life's work to find more and more people, I am out there in the open. And yet I am still invisible, or rather, ignorable. ...and we're back to the very beginning, this makes me even more cynical and anti-social than I've ever, ever been. People, especially those faces that I used to know well but haven't seen in ages, irritate the hell out of me at the moment, and it's mainly (though maybe not completely) because of Myspace.

I am a cynic and a recluse... And that's okay.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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