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Day One
2010-07-23, 10:51 a.m.

Day One:

Rough, angry, yelling, guilt, crying, confusion, finality, withdrawal, exhaustion, offer, ultimatum, heartbreak.

I feel like I lost everything yesterday. Some of it was voluntary, some of it was unexpected and some of it was already lost and didn't make up any ground getting it back. On the other hand, for as much as yesterday sucked--especially the angry bits--that's the easy part for me to handle. That's the part that doesn't make me face my secret fear in this. Fighting = Disconnect = Finality.

Today, by way of neither Jeff nor I wanting to repeat yesterday's scene over and over, we're going to try a different approach. It scares me. It's not going to "fix" anything but it may make it easier to understand each other in future conversations. Trying to establish some closeness, so it's worth it to talk without fighting. Quiet time together as a baby step toward reconnection--repairing the mythical disconnection that only I feel. *sigh*

I just asked a friend if I was obligated to work with Jeff because of the marriage and children because I'm the only one who's broken. This person has some perspective in having been married, but his wife blindsided him by leaving with their daughter one day while he was out-of-town, working. I figured there'd be no one better from outside the situation to tell me if I was being selfish or heartless.

He says:
"my opinion is yes, do try and make it work IF you really want to and after that, if you think it can happen and after that if it is worth it. if none of those fit in the program starting with the first, then fuck no."

That's more or less the approach that I'm taking. I want to try and to focus for the purpose of seeing what can be achieved. Jeff wants me to tell him if I can work toward the end result of us being "fixed." I don't want to set a goal, because I don't want to say someday that if we didn't achieve the whole goal that was set, then it's a failure. I want it to be what it is. I want to see what can happen, and go from there.

�There are things that we don�t want to happen but have to accept, things we don�t want to know but have to learn and people we can�t live without but have to let go.� -Author Unknown



last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03





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