Mood: Regretful that I'm not in bed
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Random musings on family
2008-01-31, 12:52 a.m.

I've made a decision, which may or may not affect my blogging tendencies here at Diaryland. I think I need to start a motherhood journal for my children. Something on paper, that is tangible and, barring some random event like a fire or flood, will be able to be physically handed down to them at the appropriate time. Not to say that Diaryland is incapable of achieving that, but seriously, when won't I ever in my life have access to pen and paper? There may be times when we don't have a computer, or maybe the one we have is on the fritz. Maybe there will be times when we don't have internet access or, although it has never happened before (well, not fully anyway) maybe Diaryland will be unavailable to the masses. I'd just feel better about putting down some of the reflections I have on life, particularly those tied to motherhood and my children, on paper.

I came to this conclusion as I was trying to put together some thought fragments towards entries on the topics that I mentioned at the end of the previous entry. A lot of it is going to end up being comparisons between what I remember from right after Jack was born and what things are like now. It just seems like it belongs in a different place, away from the general mood and subject matter that I've needed to write about here over the past 2 years (knowing that most of it is related to dissatisfaction with my job and career path).

It could be at least several days before I get that all together though, and decide what format and style I want to use for this new project, so I still am planning to put down the entries that I originally intended. I expect that a fair part of that paper journal, maybe even a whole first "volume" will be printed out Diaryland entries going back to my pregnancy with Jack.

And I'm not without something for you all today as well.

I got an email from my stepmother today. I had forgotten this before, but I'm pretty sure that she did the same thing right after Jackson was born. I really think that she thinks I am depressed, based on the last time her and my dad were over here and then this email. Considering she doesn't have any kids of her own, so she's never experienced post-partum depression, I really wonder where this is coming from. I wonder who she has known that had a problem with this? Some how she seems to draw a straight line between ejecting a child from one's body and depression. I have done one, so I MUST be experiencing the other. I may very well have said this in 2005, but I (so far) am just about the LEAST depressed new mother possible. I would've neve thought that'd be me. I would've thought for sure that if anyone would be prone to PPD, it would absolutely be me considering I spent most of my teenage years and the first half of my "adult" life struggling with some phase of depressive illness. It really hasn't been too much of an issue for me lately though (lately = about the past 5 years or so) and certainly not in a post-partum sense.

So I don't know... I don't know if I should just come out and address it with her, or if I should just let her think what she does, knowing that eventually it will run its course. For me right now, and with only just maybe one exception (My brother) the only things that are important to me are the people who sleep under this roof and what it takes to take care of them. I think now sometimes of Nikki and how I've never really identified with her isolationist views with regards to her family (immediate vs. extended). Over the past 5-7 days, especially since we've been home from the hospital, that's where I'm at with family. I can't keep the family away considering that I just had a baby and we all live in the same area code, but I'm never happier than when it's just the 4 of us quietly (or not--one of us is a 2-year-old) living out our routine day behind a locked door. I actually kind of cringe when the phone rings lately. I love my email; it is my preferred mode of communication considering that I can take it or leave it in my own time. I miss my friends, both from work and my past, but I know I'll catch up with all of that soon. It's only been a week, after all.

I guess that while I need them for technical support at intervals in the present, I equate my family, mainly my parents, with the past. I have done so for a long time now. My family, i.e., my husband and children, along with my brother and my close friends are the people who I expect to be with me through my lifetime. They are my present and my future. I'm sure it's horrifically ingrateful of me to see things this way, but that's just how it is.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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