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Family on my mind
2006-12-08, 7:59 p.m.

I have things on my mind. Well, family, mostly...

I'm right at the edge of sending that email to my cousin (the one I've never actually met or spoke to and who is the sister of the one that I used to know but haven't talked to in years). Here's why: I've accepted the reality of the situation. I know that they don't think about us at all and probably rarely does it cross their minds to wonder about us. I am certainly aware that they don't think about us as much as I think about them, and always have. In my nature of idealizing people, I want to believe that my uncle had a really, really good reason for breaking off with the family and keeping his kids away from us and my grandparents. I wan't to believe that we just don't know or understand it. I want to believe that maybe someone on my side does actually know why and just aren't talking about it. I want to believe that there is a very, very good and valid reason for the way things have happened in our family. If I can't believe that, then I'm stuck thinking that I don't know how my uncle can look at himself in the mirror every morning. I'm stuck thinking what kind of complete piece of ingrateful scum turns their back on their family, totally and completely, especially when we basically have a normal family. My grandparents aren't alcoholics or have a history of abuse or anything like that that I'm aware of. I'm sure I'd have heard it from my mom if they were anything like that. I'm all for people disagreeing with things that their parents have done or vowing to do things differently, but that's on the other edge of the globe from pulling the whole "you're dead to me" routine, and letting your kids be dragged into it too. I know my mom has always held on to issues about my aunt (her younger sister) having always been the "favorite" while they were growing up and yada, yada, but if that's it and that's all, then that's a pretty pathetic, petty and completely stupid reason to behave the way he has all these years. Well anyway, so I've accepted that I'm the only one in the family with this HUGE complex about ever being reunited on any level with my cousins and that my grandparents are probably right in their thinking that if they were ever going to make an effort to not follow in their parents' footsteps in their own adult lives, they'd have done it by now. Whether it's loyalty to their own parents or fear of the unknown or having been given false information about how awful the rest of the family it, they have no intention of reaching out. So, when I do send the email, it will just offer my congratulations to my older cousin on the birth of his daughter and a brief statement to them that I am always open to talk, whatever end it achieves.

Aaaand, I've been thinking about the future of my own immediate family. We'll be going to try to get that other apartment lined up soon for a move early next year. I want it to work and I want it to be perfect. I hope with all my soul that it isn't as big of a let down as this past move was. There's no reason it should've been like this. My latest issue is that this place is cold, cold, cold now that the weather has turned. I can turn up the heat all I want, but it's rarely comfortable. I have to turn it up to 85 or so just to get most of the apartment near-livable and the thermostat is crap, so I don't even know what temperature that is, anyway. We've put up plastic on the windows, but it's still drafty in places, and this HONESTLY isn't the type of building that you'd look at and expect to be drafty. I'm in a state of dread over packing up and moving, but if we get the other apartment that we want and it all works out nicely, I'll be elated. I've also been thinking about other stuff, further off in the future, but I think I'll save that for another time.

And finally, the SIL... There's no real news to report. She got herself set up with a new apartment that sounds much nicer than the one that they torched. Her boyfriend is ever-more a piece of shit. I really, really loathe and despise that guy more than is healthy for my soul. I really just want to randomly stand up in front of the whole family and say all the things that no one else will say. They need to be said. Everyone needs to hear them. The kids NEED to hear them most of all, even if they will be peppered with profanity. I really just don't want to even wait for him to push me into it. I just want to break a silent moment and blurt it all out. I want eyes to get big and jaws to drop. I ache for it. Just one example of why I feel this way now. One of his jobs hosted a benefit dinner (it's kind of like a cheap country club or a VFW or something like that) for them/him after the fire to raise money to give them. I may have mentioned this in advance. It was something like $5/plate and they raised over $600 dollars, or so I'm told. Not a huge sum, but every bit helps. Nikki lost a fair bit of stuff, the girls lost almost everything of theirs in their room... He lost his cats, which I assume he has no intention of replacing any time soon. I don't know what else was his, but I assume he took most anything of value with him when he moved out. Anyway, to date, he hasn't given Nikki a dime of that money. Who's surprised? Yeah, that's what I thought... Us either.

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