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Has Anyone Seen My Feet?
2010-08-26, 2:23 p.m.

Yesterday I went for what will end up being the last session with the Ancient Marriage Counselor. She's very, very concerned with the placement of my feet. I am so tired of the expression that goes something like "having both feet in the marriage" and the like. One foot in the marriage and one foot elsewhere... We have firmly established that I'm a metaphor-girl... but I REALLY, REALLY hate that one, for some reason. Therapist's words, "You cannot have more than one emotional attachment at a time. It just doesn't work." I'll give her this... Those attachments will likely not be of equal strength or priority, but... Uhmm... Well, I guess no one ever said they were supposed to be equal. Even in a purely polyamorous situation, you still have your "primary partner" who is the priority beyond any secondary partner. But, lest we forget, I will almost certainly never be in a purely kosher polyamorous situation.

My feet... Jeff says he doesn't think he has one--though he'd say that no matter what because he doesn't think that he ranks at all on my list of priorities. John says he doesn't see where my feet are at all, feeling as though he doesn't have one and not being able to see if I have one or both of them in my marriage since I have expressed that we're still not all sunshines-and-moonbeams at home. I'd like to think that I have at least one foot on me--working on getting myself together and right and disciplined and happy. I don't even think it'd be wrong to have both feet on me if that's what it's going to take to bring about a positive future for me and those that I love and care about. I'd venture a guess that I have left behind a shoe or two though.

I'm trying to get Jeff to understand the the addition of his restaurant business into our life means that the dynamics of our relationship will never be the same. He thinks it will only get better than it ever was. I disagree. Looking back 4 or 5 or even 7 years ago--we were really happy. We were happy with eachother; we had enough money to function and though we blew a lot of cash on basically nothing, we didn't really have to refuse ourselves much. I don't see how adding the running of a business to that can improve anything--other than adding more money to it, assuming that the business is doing well. I sort of stumbled into some unintentional R & D in that area, talking to some people that I know where it came up (or I'd already known, but didn't specifically go to them for this purpose) that their parents' owned businesses now or while they were growing up. Both of them said that it is nothing they'd ever want for their own lives as adults. After seeing what their parents went through, both with the business and in their marriages, they'd want no part of that life or stress. Honestly, I think Jeff is cut out for it... He is a "both feet" into work kind-of-guy and ALWAYS has been for as long as I've known him. He is completely in his element at work, regardless of if he is the lowest peon or the owner. I'm happy for him for this--I really, really, honestly am... I just... *sigh* I think it's going to create problems for me and our marriage that he cannot even begin to comprehend. Considering where we're at now--staggering on a foundation of sand--*shakes head* The best we have to hope for would be agreeing to be happy living separate lives, together. I could be wrong.

When/if I reach my final breaking point, he's not going to understand what brought me down. He's not going to have any idea how, when he's more successful than ever and we've got all the money we need for anything, I'm more unhappy with him than ever. Once again it will be only me who is "broken."

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Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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