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Resolve
2010-07-30, 1:55 p.m.

Resolve... I can do this.

We have an appointment with a marriage counselor in approximately 2 weeks, but I'm hoping we can do better than that. I called my Employee Assistance outreach thing just now to have them set us up with someone. I have a burning fear that we'll walk into a room with a 60-year-old man and a Bible on the corner table. That scenario = sure and quick judgment against me. The doctor that Jeff picked at random off the insurance website--they agreed to see him, but then when he arrived (not the reason for the cancellation of the appointment, just a side note) the receptionist was confused as to why he was coming by himself if HE wasn't the one who'd had the affair. Obviously in their eyes, HE's not the one who needs fixing. He'd said he even explained to them that the reason why he made the appointment for just himself was not to focus on the affair, but his part in the events that led up to it.

Anyway, I did okay with the EAP screener on the phone just now, until I mentioned being Pagan--maybe it was just my imagination, but it felt like it wasn't received well. Oh well... She won't be the therapist in the end. *shrugs*

Jeff and I aired out a lot of issues this afternoon--and even though they did come out with tears, they didn't come out as fighting. I have a lot of fears about this process... Some of them are rational and some of them, though I can't always help it, are irrational. One of the fears that I am resolving right now is the fear that putting my whole self in to the "working" on the marriage will equal an inevitable slide into/back into complacency. I am now resolving to tell myself that it isn't true. I need to commit to the work and try really hard to not focus on the outcome (good or bad)... Just the journey.

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