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Screwed
2005-12-23, 7:22 p.m.

Well, I've been sitting on this one all day long, but I guess I'll get it out.

First, as background, I think my PMS is coming back. I haven't had it very badly since Jack has been born and in general I always had some physical symptoms that drug out for a week or two toward the end of my cycle and about a 24-hour I'm-a-complete-miserable-weepy-angry-bitch menstrual warning. So far this time we have no real physical symptoms, but the fun part is now dragging on for day 3. I don't know how much more I can take of this, and I'm even starting to think maybe it's not actually PMS... Maybe it's depression (which I haven't had to deal with, really, for as long as I've been on second shift--about 2 1/2 years now). I hope not. Anyway, suffice it to say that I've been feeling pretty crappy lately.

And, in the midst of all of that, I had the most incredible "A-ha!" moment last night about my "career."

I. Am. Getting. Screwed.

Jeff, TJ and I went out last night to see a guy who I work with that is something of a one-man-band of sorts. He was fun to watch--he's a very off-the-wall kind of character. Most people from work have been to see him and he's got singles from his first CD that are actually playing on the radio in New York, as I understand it, so I really wanted to go. Naturally, other people I work with would be there, and in general they are more the party crowd so not so much the people I'm close to. And on top of that I have been out on "vacation" for over a week, so I asked the inevitable question of is there anything going on to the only person there with which I have somewhat of a working relationship. I'm not going to go through all the ridiculous details outlining names and job titles and responsibilities and the like, but the bottom line is that I think I'm getting screwed on this deal. It seems to me that the chess pieces have been positioned such that I have no hope of ever getting a promotion anytime in the near future. Near future meaning I'm sure it won't be any harder on my job for me to get pregnant 2 years from now because I'll still be doing the exact same thing as I've been. For most people that's pretty normal, but I was right on the cusp of something, anything, else. What have I learned from this year? It doesn't pay to take any sort of time off. You spend every waking hour in my department trying to fend off attempts at being stabbed in the back, so I guess it shouldn't surprise me that they'll just go ahead and fuck you over when you're not looking. Thus far, it's happened to me twice this year: first when I went on leave and my in-the-bag promotion that I wasn't really sure if I wanted got served on a silver platter to someone else and now when I'm gone only a matter of days and now am completely blocked from any sort of progress. Fuck you all.

But, being the sort of masochistic jackass that I am, I don't really mean it as a "Fuck you all--I'm not going to do my job anymore." More, I mean "Fuck you all--I'm going to do my job and I'm going to do it well and I'm going to get everything I need from you and then you are going to miss the hell out of me when I get the hell out of this place." I'm going to do MY job. I am going to kick ass at MY job, as I always have. I'm tired of doing favors for my supervisor and being given the old "you're an asset to the group" song and dance and "there are plenty of opportunities for advancement coming up" shpiel when it doesn't mean anything to me. I'll be the first to admit that this past year was for sure affected by my pregnancy, but I was great before that and now, I'll be great again.

THAT'S my New Year's resolution for 2006.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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