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Swimming Upstream
2010-11-09, 1:11 p.m.

The last line of one of the diary entries I just read referred to the author feeling like they'd made a bit of a mess out of their current state of affairs. I'd say "It's in the air," but I don't want to remove anyone's personal responsibility. Maybe I'll just leave it with something like, "Yeah." I feel something similar.

The other night, Jeff and I nearly had some version of my "Come to Jesus" conversation that I will be wanting to have. It doesn't seem like it's going to go like I had pictured in my head. I don't know why, at this point, that still surprises me--because nothing has gone quite the way I pictured it would. He reiterated, again, that he's still waiting for me to make a decision about what I want and where I stand with the marriage. I think I'm finally figuring this out a little bit though. As he sees it, there is no answer in my head or heart other than, "it's over," and he's just waiting for me to speak the words. That, I would have to assume, is how he justifies his current actions and choices. It's already over, we just have some logistics and details to work out to make the transition. I kind of feel like that's really.. not... um, fair, I guess. I had said to him several weeks ago (maybe I wrote it here at that time) that I was willing to swim upstream to meet him, but not if he was swimming further upstream to get away from me. I am, and have been, willing to go outside my comfort zone--do things that I'm not really feeling "all in" for, for the sake of trying to find something good again. He's been pulling farther and farther away.

He doesn't understand the state of things on my end, and he won't really listen for me to explain.

I feel lost. I feel like I'm about to just shut down. I'm trying to leave it alone for now and muscle through it. It's obviously not going well.

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Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
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