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Work to email to entry
2010-08-04, 8:27 p.m.

I'm writing this at work into email, due to marked paranoia about accessing my blog from work. I'm pretty sure that I blew my cover on my LunaUA blog by updating often from work many years ago. I ended up locking that one up and starting this one fresh, which I try to not go anywhere near while I'm here, working. Anyway...

I said earlier today that I feel isolated. Happily, I still have contacts here at work that haven't changed much. They saw me through the beginning, when I was considering that I might have problems in my life/marriage; the during, while I was talking to/about and meeting people who were bound to have the effects that have manifested; and the now, when I am sorting through the pieces--seeing what I can salvage and from where and for what... I can't say that about everyone in my life. There are people who were with me in the before time that I've lost. There are people who stuck through "the during" time that I've lost or are losing and there will always be new people who come into "the now" at any given time, but they won't have known what I've gone through to get there. *soft chuckle* ...What I've put myself through... Of course, not everyone is gone--but those who remain have uncertain roles in the future.

I wish that I could wake up one morning and everything falls into place. Everything is a known quantity and entity... Everyone is what they should be and serves their purpose accordingly--including me.

My marriage... I think we all agree that there is no more room for further band aids. What I am trying/wanting to assemble now is a tourniquet. Something to slow the bleeding of life out of it until a number of things are resolved. I think Jeff accepts now that we have had problems for a long, long time and that some of them cut straight to the foundation of our relationship. I'm still not sure if it's mostly that I had problems such that I never should've inflicted myself on him or if there's anything he could've done along the way to make things stronger between us. So many things now that, looking back, should've made me really stop to think about the path that I was on.

The latest thing that I've decided is that the overall health of our union was based on my brother being there. TJ was such a big part of who we were when we were happy. So many things about us were dependent on my brother--we were really more like a trio sometimes than a couple + the tag-along little brother. I asked Jeff if he remembered there being times after he and I were living on our own when I was just *sigh* so down. Melancholy days or days when I just felt like "blah..." Then we'd make plans with TJ and within 5 minutes of being around TJ or having him on the phone I was all smiles and brightened up. TJ would get me laughing and I'd forget all about being down. Jeff, of course, made me happy in his own way, but there was something there that Jeff could never awaken or fulfill. Now TJ is gone and that spot in me is vacant. Not saying that there is a direct correlation, but about the same time that my eyes started to wander to other men than my husband (roughly 19-20 months ago) was about the same time that TJ started to lose hope and lose his sense of humor about his illness. It was about the time when we all knew he was giving up. I think that maybe in the very beginning, my looking around had nothing to do with TJ--I think it was maybe an artifact of my job where everyone is stressed out and hooking-up in various ways with others around the company for comfort/connection. After TJ was gone though... Well there are some aspects of the people to whom I've been attracted that remind me of what I'm missing in my brother.

Other than that... The miscommunication problems with Jeff persist. Twice, if not three times today (which has been the first day of any sort of measureable conversation all week long), we had exchanges that went something like...
Me: "Here's what I think or see..."
Jeff: "Oh, okay and here's what I thought you meant..."
Me: "No, this is what I was really trying to tell you..."
Time passes...
Jeff: "How could you say that thing you said earlier? I thought we understood eachother on that?"
Me: "Jeff, what I said then was "xyz" and I explained that then, what are you talking about?"
Jeff: "I'll try to be better."

I can try to work on or work out anything, but I have to admit that I am completely baffled at these exchanges. It's times like these that I wonder how we ever even got as far as we have and how we can possibly have a snowball's chance in hell of digging our way out of this hole we're in. He's hurting so much and I don't know what to do for him or how to help him (that was actually one of our misunderstandings earlier "what do you mean you don't know how to comfort me? You always used to know how?" To which I answered, "No, what I said was that I don't know how to comfort you in this set of circumstances and still be true to myself. I can't tell you that everything's going to be okay, because that probably means something different to you than it does to me (not that I even know what that is)." I feel like even if we made a concerted effort to spend more time together that it would take ages to not only re-learn who eachother is, but also to try to be the things to eachother that we never were--if we even can do that without completely changing ourselves. One of my techs came up with the analogy (again with the analogies) that it seems like he and I are looking at exactly the same framed picture hanging on the wall and to me, I see a flower; to him, he sees a car and neither of us can reconcile what's really on the canvas. I commented, I wonder what our kids must see. We joked that it would be one of those hippy-style VW buses with the flowers all over it. *sigh*

I must go back to doing something productive and useful at work. I had to get this all out though.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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