It's only 23:30... Why not?
This should be quick--way quicker than it could be. Just a brief written belching of words that are the most abbreviated summary possible of what I am thinking at the moment...
The opposite of hate is not love, but apathy...
Indeed... And unto the flesh and blood being that was previously known as my spouse, I am entirely apathetic. I don't wish anything bad on him--though I do kind of expect that he will experience some negative effects of his current behavior, but I don't actually wish anything GOOD for him either, sadly. The good things that I would like to see come into his world are actually more or less rooted in selfish motivations. The better he does in whatever aspect of his own life, the more I expect him to leave me the hell alone--and that's really all the good I wish for him. Well, and of course it should be expected that good for him may translate down the line to good for our kids, but I don't necessarily trust that more than I trust anything he does. That's all for another entry though...
The brief message I wanted to get out though was that, in my view, Jeff's bullshit reasoning about there needing to be some kind of emotion there to incite "hatred" because if there was not, I wouldn't give a fuck what he says or does.
But I don't... Actually... My irritation or anger or whatever shred of "hatred" he believes me to be projecting has nothing to do with a caring centered upon HIM.
I care for myself, and I love my children with my entire being. His bullshit shenanigans that attack me or in some way are perceived by me to be a disservice to my children... Now THAT pisses me off... He is merely the vessel (a vessel that should know better--but again, that's another entry) for the venom. He is useless to me--if he were a stranger, I'd give him a look that said, "what the fuck is wrong with you???" and move on. That he attacks ME, who I feel in moments of weakness the urge to defend, and dishonors my children, who are totally innocent... That's where I kind of lose it--apathy or no...
11:31 p.m. - 2012-09-17
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