Mood:
Watching:
Reading:

Anxiety
2010-11-24, 11:01 a.m.

Stuff I want to say... And stuff I don't...

I've been back and forth from the edge of an anxiety attack for about the past 24 hours (to be fair, it'd have to be longer than that, but for the last 24 hours I've had my toes at the edge of the drop-off). I can't help thinking, "What really started all of this?" If we can go back to the very roots, and go from there, will it fix anything--really fix it? I have a hard time believing that all the bad was caused by me--even Jeff is willing to give me that much. If the answer is that I probably shouldn't have married him to begin with... Well, I feel like slapping myself hard with the advice that I try to give my younger employees when they act all entitled about work-related things. Specifically when they have just accepted their position in the company, are brand new, or quite new--at least--and want the world to stop for them. They decide they suddenly don't like the hours that they're working or something like that, and think that they should suddenly get the change that they want, in spite of what we need to run the department and more importantly, in spite of the fact that they agreed to work those hours by accepting the position. Anyway, I want to tell myself that, kind of--you had some idea of what you were getting yourself into when you got married. Nothing that has happened has been a total shock--all of it was always a distinct possibility, just maybe the degree of severity in some spots has been a bit of a surprise. ...but I feel like if the root is that I should never have married him, given all of that--that I knew before I did that this all could eventually happen--well, I got what I paid for and it's sort of shitty of me to go back on what I've already agreed to.

I'm just a ball of nerves and it didn't help that one of the first posts I read on facebook was a girl I went to high school with complaining that the local Child Support Enforcement Agency was not doing their job. Then, of course, other divorced friends came to support her and filled her comments with, "I wish you didn't have to go through any of this" and about how "'he' chose this path for the family and now isn't willing to work with her or clean up the mess" or something like that. It hit more than one sore spot in me--past, present and future.

There are really only 2 options for staying together though, as far as I've been able to think about it. 1.) somehow get "back to good" and undo all of the bad, or at least the hurt it caused on all sides. 2.) remain married "on paper" and for appearances, but continue about our lives separately in she shadows--I think that's what we've been trying to do (in an unspoken agreement) for the past several months, and it's not working. Not at all.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

be sorted @ nimbo.net