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Anti-cognition?
2010-09-01, 1:59 a.m.

Is there a brand of clairvoyance in which someone can glimpse/imagine what might happen but knows not what is likely to happen? That doesn't really make any sense... Let me put it this way... I have no precognitive abilities. None. And if I did, it'd be a waste because I'd never remember what it is that I foresaw long enough to know if it happened or not. Seriously.

I do, have a knack, or rather have noticed a pattern in that while I can get a clear picture in my head of things that could possibly happen--to the point of really exploiting my "overthinking" that I am so often reminded that I do--I mean I come up with some way-out-there-shit... While I can do that and that's not too far outside of normal, I guess... I can fully NOT imagine things--even things that I should be able to--that will never come to pass. The best example I can give which will illustrate my point is that through my brother's late teens and early twenties, I couldn't for the life of me get any picture in my head of him growing into a man. Not just of-legal-age, but of a man with a career, family, etc. I couldn't tune in any imaginary scenarios of getting together at holidays with his fictional wife and kids or of him being middle-aged someday, etc. Then, at 24 when he got his cancer diagnosis... It really scared me as to what that might mean. He was never going to be middle-aged. There was no path of fate that would lead him there and that's why I couldn't see it. What I could see, nearly from the beginning of his illness though, was the absence of him. If he were sitting in a chair visiting with family, I could get a clear picture in my head of that chair being empty. I always fought it back--not wanting to end up having it be something that I projected, like a wish or an inadvertent spell casted or something. That's the biggest and best explanation for what I mean...

I'm having a similar phenomenon occur with reference to my marriage. There are aspects related to the future that I can see clearly and others that I can't even force into my head with all of my might and deliberate overthinking. This is the part when I have said to people and they just never understand what I mean, "It just feels wrong right now." If I could tune it in, maybe that path would feel right, or at least like an option. But I can't... It makes my soul freeze and contract to think about.

I suppose I could be more detailed, but not now...

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