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Blank stares over a one-sided conversation
2010-11-06, 1:24 p.m.

*sigh* I thought I'd misplaced my coffee--knowing full well that it was a condition that was inevitably going to lead to a spill later when I accidentally "found" it--so I just poured a new cup. I turned around and my old, full cup was in the microwave. Why am I not taking my Celexa again?

I have an opportunity (which I am NOT going to take at this time--so no worries), to engage in the old style of "blogversation." I'm not going to do it because that's not what either of us needs right now, I don't think, but there are things I could get down in an entry here. Suffice it to say that there are no feelings of discomfort or bad feelings or whatever the exact words in the disclaimer were. Then again, most of my sore feelings come on as latent reverberations to the events that inspired them, but I think we're good. Just thinking--that's all. If you don't understand the last paragraph, don't fret--it's not for you--and keep reading.

Last night I came home from work after a weird bout of random mania and jitters all night. I felt good--a natural high--though a bit disappointed that I wasn't able to harness this energy surplus and direct it toward something useful. Nothing I have to work on at my job right now makes good use of that kind of energy burst. As I got home "on time," Jeff was still awake. He was quiet, as is the norm these days and responded to me in short, one and two-word replies whenever I tried to initiate an exchange. Finally I asked, "Are you going to be around this weekend?" Maybe it's just me, but I would think that that question, worded in that way, would and should, strike a chord in any respectable, responsible family man. His answer, "I don't know." I had to get some of the stuff out that had been clogging up our week since he was a no-show all last weekend. I said, "Well, if you're going to be away for most of the time, could you check in occasionally and make it look like you care, at least?" He was silent, glaring at me. I tried to explain that after he missed our entire Halloween over the past 2 weekends, didn't come to trick-or-treat, knew that all three of us were coming down with a cold and then didn't bother to call or text to see how we were doing--it didn't really look like he cared at all. Knowing we were getting sick, but that I still took the kids out trick-or-treating, I really expected him to wonder how we were feeling, how the kids got through it, if anyone was getting worse, etc. Nothing... Not a call, not a voicemail, not a text... Crickets until 3 AM on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Since then, we haven't spoken much and what there has been has been tense. Anyway, I delivered an abbreviated version of those events gently, but emphasizing that it was important. He stares. Not a word. Even when I asked if he wanted to say something, he says, "No." Then, when I walked away and tended to other things that I wanted to square away before heading to bed, he watched me. Just staring as I moved around. It was really... Very... Bizarre.

I feel like he has something--and it's probably a pretty big something--on the tip of his tongue. I don't know if it's the "I want a divorce" statement or the "I'm seeing someone" admission or just a plain, "I think I hate you" statement--but it's something, and it's not going to be happy words. I'm starting to realize about our marriage the same thing I realized a long time ago about housekeeping and chores. There are things which, if I don't do them, they won't get done. I used to leave dishes out on the counter/sink in our apartments, just to see if he'd take care of it just for the mere state of it being there and needing to get done. I suspected not, but I had a certain level of faith that there must be an instinct or something. I can see walking past something that needs done or stepping over something that needs picked up a few times for the sake of being busy, rushed or preoccupied, but you eventually get to it. *shakes head* Not for everyone. So I learned that and I learned to accept it. The same is true of our marriage--it was always me holding it together and him along for the ride, kind of enjoying the benefits of my efforts. When I stopped being the only one working on keeping peace and happiness throughout the land, he didn't know anything to do other than to just become angry and bitter. He doesn't know how to "work" on making things better. At this point in the game, my heart's only half in it and now HE'S the one who is completely checked out. It doesn't look good.

I have to make a point to say though that even at the absolute pinnacle of my being "checked out," I was only ever checked out of the marriage. I have always been completely "all in" to the family. I know that makes very little sense on the outside. I can love the four of us together without being madly 'in love' with one of the members of it. I have always been in love with the four of us together, and that's why I've done and not done many things that I have and have not. Jeff is just "checked out." I'm sure he does an adequate job with the kids when they're alone, but he's gone more than he's here and he's even gone much of the time that he's here--and it's not just the mistress, it's the restaurant as the biggest thing.

Sometimes there is no satisfaction in being right about something.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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