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Exhausted
2010-12-16, 2:13 a.m.

I'm way too tired to be writing an entry now, honestly. I have one brewing, that I think will be kind of great--at least in terms of being expressive--but really is going to be just more of the same pondering of the failure of love and/or marriage and/or my faith in one or both of them. Nah... Love is still okay--I think people just need to learn how not to be stupid with it.

Anyway... Soon on that one, but not today.

I am extraordinarily hyper-sensitive to feeling like I'm being a pest--and I have been feeling that way today. I can't help it. The pictures that are in my head of what is going on on the other side of the aisle say that I really should just have some self-respect and sneak away quietly. I am paranoid, but that doesn't mean that I'm not right to be so. I get what may be irrationally insecure, but for altogether rational reasons. I feel like I have very little to offer--certainly much less to use as leverage of any sort to assume a more secure foothold--mainly because of my situation. I feel like what I do have to offer is too intangible to really be taken seriously. It means a great deal to me, but I don't really think it would mean the same to anyone else. Anyone... Not just the someones that I have to work with currently.

It really just all comes down to me being exhausted. As I said earlier, though again--I don't even know that my message has been received--I'm exhausted of everything, everywhere being a struggle. I'm exhausted of having to follow other peoples' rules and live by their wishes. I'm exhausted of waiting for things to happen, or not happen, as the case may be. I'm exhausted of feeling like I'm not part of a team with anyone at all. I'm just completely spent right now and it's making me marginally irrational, but entirely impatient.

And I wonder... Once I am able to live for myself and NOT need to follow anyone else's rules--when I'm the one making the rules in things that pertain to or directly affect me--will anyone else be as disappointed as I am now? Will it be important enough to anyone to want to go along with me, on my road--with my expectations for how things are supposed to be? Or will it all culminate with a colossal head-butting and an epic "Fuck off!" at that point?

What point is that even?

So tired.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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