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Extraction
2010-08-28, 1:24 a.m.

I've come to the reckoning that it is time to remove my head from my ass.

There are certain "I know ____" statements that I'd like to be able to make, but the fact is that I can't. The only thing that I know for sure that I know is that I don't know. Well, that and I also know that this summer will go down in my history as one of the most impactful summers of my life. I feel like everything that I once knew has been shaken to its core. How I see my friends is different, how I even define my friendships and who are my friends is different. How I see myself and what I am capable of is different. How I see my marriage and how I expect to see the future of my domestic life is different. I could almost say that how I see certain things about people in general are different, but *sigh* I think that some of those things remain unchanged.

I've put great emphasis on my children through this summer as my motivator for doing or not doing some of the things that I have and have not done. My maternal responsibility is never far from my mind, and I am proud of myself for that. For a long time, I used to think that if I ever found myself to be single again, through either divorce (which I considered unlikely) or as a widow (which I thought would be more likely because I'm all about my principles, right?), that I would never become involved with another man--at least not while my children were in my care--because they would be my first, primary and most important priority. I wanted them to have no doubt of that, ever. THAT's how strong my convictions as a mother have always been. After a while, I kind of wavered in my resolve a bit to say that I wouldn't go out looking for a new man in my life, but if one--perhaps someone from my past who I'd already known on some level--found me or stumbled into my life, I'd consider that option as a possibility. Well, that's kind of irrelevant... My point is that it has always been my intention to make serious sacrifices for my children because that's the kind of mother I've always seen myself as. To a point, I've already given up a lot--to where I feel lost--and it's proven to be a detriment. So these beliefs are also shaken, to a point. Being a good mother is a careful dance between meeting all of my childrens' needs and recognizing and acknowledging, if not fully satisfying, my own.

It should also be noted that until recently, I never really would've ever called myself "an over-thinker." Maybe I would've been wrong on that point, but... *laughs softly* Yeah...

So I am well into the process, I think, of removing my head from my ass and facing reality... Looking around and being realistic.

Dear God,
Please grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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