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Pagan, Take-Two
2009-08-02, 10:50 p.m.

It always comes back to Diaryland, doesn't it? The quickest and most efficient way to scramble everything up that's in your head and then dump it out all over everywhere and see if you came up with anything useful. Not that talking isn't good. Of course it is. But spoken conversations have tangents. Not interruptions per se, but responses that will sometimes cause you to think in another direction and the original idea never finishes blooming. Blogversations... Good word. I hope other people have "blogversations."

That has nothing to do with anything, I guess. Just a preface...

The religion thing... Uhg. It's so odd to be so sure of something that is so elusive. I'd love to wake up one morning and say, "I'm Wiccan again... I'm sure of it" or "What was I thinking? I am definitely on a Christian path." I honestly don't know what to call it. I can't even come up with a spiritual morph or combination that captures what I believe. I feel good about saying my beliefs lean toward the Pagan. Perhaps I'm a Pagan with Christian leanings? I'm not a Christian Witch. I've always thought that was a pretty stupid concept... Or maybe I didn't. Perhaps, back in the day I was willing to take one for the team just so that the "witch" part was in there somewhere.

I've considered reclaiming all of my old Wicca books from my mom (who never used them) and sifting through to see what pieces-parts I could re-incorporate. I honestly forgot nearly everything I knew about being Wiccan about 15 minutes after I decided I was Christian again. I swore at that time that I would never return. I believed that God was punishing me for being away for as long as I was (about 4 years). I believed that He allowed me to have that time of rebellion so that I could learn some things there that I couldn't have really learned anywhere else, or if I had remained the pathetic excuse for a Christian that I was in those Pre-Pagan-Take-One days. I believed that He started to call me back and I resisted. The more I resisted, the louder and harder to ignore those calls became. And then the house of cards came crashing down... Everything finally imploded, but I had a new faith and it got me through. I felt okay and like maybe the world wasn't ending in light of my new tremendous feelings of faith. That has taken me through approximately that past 8 years.

Now, I feel something different. I don't feel like I'm rebelling this time, or even changing much. I feel (kind of) like it all fits together. the first 16 years of my life, I was spiritually retarded. That's the only word I can think of to describe it, so I hope it isn't taken badly by anyone. I don't think I'm still locked. Was I ever? I'm not sure. Anyway, my spirituality took no form. I always leaned kind of to the occult, but I followed a bit of Christianity, but I wasn't raised in any church community. From ages 17 - 21, I found and practiced Wicca. It was kind of an immature thing and we didn't have proper guidance, but I think we did okay. Then there was the implosion and I became a fairly devout Christian/Methodist. We even joined and church and I got baptised. There are a few ideas that came with me from Wicca though. I never stopped believing in reincarnation--that's the biggest one. I really don't view prayer in exactly the same way as your average Christian, though I'm not comfortable right now with the idea of "spells" either. I think, as Christians, it feels safer to think that you ask an all-powerful God to change the forces of the universe and it removes the responsibility. Casting a spell is like taking off the training wheels, elbow pads, knee pads, helmet and most of your clothes.

So much for tangents... This is actually kind of a big one. This stuff isn't really most of what I've been thinking about lately. It's rather, a development, I guess...

Anyway, so I think I'd do better making a checklist or something to better illustrate. I've lost all of my HTML abilities since I've been away. It'll have to be verbage. I believe in God, or a Goddess... Not really sure it matters. I don't necessarily believe that God is intimately involved with human beings. I honestly think that He has better things to do. I think that there are spirits or Angels or something of that sort that direct our nearest energies. I believe in reincarnation. By definition then, I guess I don't believe in Heaven or Hell. I believe that Jesus Christ existed and He probably was an incarnation of God or the most highly evolved spiritual being nearest to God (i.e., the Son of God). I do kind of even believe that the parts of the Bible that say no one will reach God except through Jesus are right. I do not believe it the same way that Christians do. I do not believe that being "born again" or "accepting Christ as your Savior" was the intention, nor will it achieve the desired result. I think that what they meant was that only when a soul is as highly evolved as that of Jesus (which is only achieved through many, many, many incarnated lifetimes), only then will you be subject to being in the presence of God(dess). So I guess I'd be in league with the WWJD crowd, except that they've made it a bit hokey.

I feel like I can spot people who are young souls and who are old souls. It either adds to my delusion or strengthens my case, not sure which. I feel very, very strongly about this though and I wish I had a name for it. I'm not typically the person who requires a label or a shelf on which to be placed, but I'd really like to be more of "this," whatever "this" is.

I'm tired.

last - next

Women... And stuff... - 2012-08-19
Sniffles - 2012-08-18
Time to kill while waiting for a late dinner... - 2012-08-11
0.0 - 2012-08-05
Locked and Isolated in BlogLand - 2012-08-03

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